This is the part where we go deep. You wouldn’t have clicked my face if you didn’t want the truth, right? Here goes…
1. I can juggle.
2. Though I am (legally, anyway) an adult, my feet seem to still be growing. Almost imperceptibly, but surely.
3. I wish that Martin Scorcese would call me and say, “I’m casting you in The Val Kilmer Story; I need you to gain 45 pounds in the next two months.” It would be a blast.
4. I have read all three volumes of Shelby Foote’s “The Civil War.”
5. In 1977, I called up a Harrisburg, PA disc jockey, and asked him to play Dean Friedman’s “Ariel.” I was curtly told, “Look, I don’t play bubble gum.”
6. I’m consumed by the desire to possess a 1957 Porsche Speedster.
7. I’m an okay swing dancer, but I wish I were better.
8. I have a disturbing proposition for this panda situation. If we raise them for meat, we’ll have PLENTY of them.
9. See? I told you it would disturb you.
10. I once returned a serve from John McEnroe.
11. Breyer’s Vanilla + Hershey’s Syrup = Undeniable Excellence
12. Is it me, or are raccoons just giant, striped rats that can open our trash cans?
13. I wouldn’t care if the trend in men’s suits had paused forever in 1964.
14. Why is it always Ginger or Mary Anne? I thought Mrs. Howell was a DOLL.
15. I would enjoy a visit to Disneyland every week.
16. Belmar. Seaside Heights. Harvey Cedars. Margate. Ocean City. Sea Isle. Stone Harbor. Wildwood. Cape May. The Jersey Shore rules.
17. Even if the time machine were perfected, I don’t know if I’d try it. I’m afraid of old-timey dentistry.
18. I wish NHL players were issued hatchets, so those fights would MEAN something.
19. PLEASE. When loading passengers onto commercial aircraft, why can we not START WITH THE BACK ROWS? Dig this: If I’m headed for 34E, why should I stand in the aisle like a stunned steer in a slaughterhouse chute, while 12B tries to muscle his carry-on into the overhead? Wouldn’t it be quicker for everyone if I, and the rest of the back-row losers who didn’t check in online, boarded first and just fought it out at the rear of the aircraft? Then, after very few minutes, the middle people could easily slip into their seats. And, soon after, the smart ones could just waltz on and sit down in the front of the plane like royalty. AND WE’D ALL BE HAPPY! Is this concept hard to understand, Airline Management Pinheads?
20. The bell-bottom jean still offers a woman the perfect casual silhouette: from shoulder to heel, the curves never stop.
21. Nat “King” Cole: purest “ahh” vowel in popular music.
22. Watch Betty Hutton sing “Murder, He Says” in 1943 on Bob Hope’s “Command Performance U.S.A.” You’ll fall in love.
Thanks for reading this far. I don’t know what you’ve learned, but, at least you haven’t been harmed. Come out to a show soon, and hear us sing the heck out of Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons’ songbook – we have a blast, and you will, too!”